March 3, 2018; 1:10am

I really miss you.  It has been a while since we last spoke, I think you texted me to wish me a “Happy Thanksgiving.”  It is safe to say that things are vastly different between us now.  I’m different now.  You’re different now.  But I really wish that things had stayed the same and that you were still apart of my life because I feel so fucking alone.

Every summer my mom would make me plant sunflowers.  In the scorching heat, I would go outside, dig up the dirt patch in my backyard, and add manure to the soil.  Two inches deep into the ground, each sunflower seed would be planted, not too close and not too far from one another, all in a single line.  Daily, I would go outside and water them; it never took long for them to sprout, some grew to be taller than me. But summer eventually came to an end and my beautiful sunflowers withered away back into the dirt whence they came.  This happened every time summer came along, we’d plant new sunflowers to replace the ones we lost from the previous year.  The people in my life feel like the sunflowers that I planted in my backyard.  Despite all the care and effort I poured into them every day, they still withered away no matter what.  They are only seasonal, these people will eventually fade away.

I guess I just miss having that one constant person in my life who I could really count on to be there for me.  It has been a really long time since I had someone who genuinely cared about me and not just when it was convenient.  If I’m being honest you haven’t crossed my mind in a such a long time, but today when I broke down and cried you were the only person I wanted to share my innermost feelings with.  I can’t tell anyone else these things, the things I keep thinking. But I can’t talk to you.  I’m alone. I’m fucked.

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